Espada Boot Camp
by Satsuki312
Summary: Hundreds of years ago Sosuke Aizen created a secret plan to destroy the Soul Society, and a breed of half shinigami and half Hollow were going to do it for him. All he had to do was create and train them, but how? Well boot camp, of course! Rated T. Crack
1. Chapter 1

**Espada Boot Camp**

Where exactly did the Espada learn how to function as well as they do? Boot camp of course! Crack fic. T for language and stupidity.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

* * *

Chapter 1 

Several hundred thousand years before the start of Bleach...

It was midnight in the Soul Society and nobody was thought to be awake, but one man was. Sosuke Aizen. A man of great intelligence, a wild imagination, a bad case of insomnia, a pair of thick glasses, wild, unruly brown hair, and the owner of blue prints of a plan to begin the end of the Soul Society and it's king, who is never actually seen, described, named, or anything else (even though the series practically _revolves_ around his life).

Any who, on this particular night Aizen was deciding who he should have on his side in his yet-to-be-formed army. He already knew that he would have Kaname Tousen and Gin Ichimaru on his side, and he also knew that his main group of fighters were going to be the soulless hollows, the enemies of the soul reapers... like himself. Aizen was clueless on how he was going to persuade the hollows, but what the hay! He was gonna do it no matter what! Even if billions upon billions of strawberries fell on him in the process.

He had already hollowfied Shinji Hirako, Rose Otoribashi, Mashiro Kuna, Love Aikawa, Hiyori Sarugaki, Lisa Yadōmaru, Hachigen Ushōda, and Kensei Muguruma, but they had been shinigami, not hollo-

"THAT'S IT! I always knew narrating my life in third person would come in handy someday! Now I know who'll be in my legion of unbeatable soldiers. I'll remove a hollow's mask using the same method I used when I gave those shinigami masks! It makes so much sense now, why didn't I see this sooner? If I can give a mask, I can remove one! Sure those masks are the equivalent of a hollow's face, but it can't be that hard." Aizen was ecstatic with joy. He was brilliant; there was no room for error to occur. His army was going to be unbeatable.

Aizen went straight to mapping out all the odds and ends so he could show little Gin and Tousen his new master plan.

"Now of course there'll be some of these new hollow that will be more elite than others," he chimed to himself in pleasure. "Now, what to call them..." This baffled the genius the most; he didn't know what to call his yet-to-be-made race of hollows.

"Hmm... it has to have something to do with their missing masks. Gone, no. Their masks won't exist, so they kinda go "poof" and disappear, in theory at least. So... the "Poofs"? Yeah, the "Poof" race of hollows. It just emits evil, if I do say so myself."

Now all that was left was to tell Tousen and little Gi-

"Damn. I forgot. Gin went to the World of the Living for the first time ever a couple days ago." This set his plans back because he wanted Tousen and Gin to know at the same time. "Well crap. I'll just wait till he gets back. I wonder if he liked where he went, or for that matter, where he went."

* * *

One week later...

Aizen had continued to build on to the ideas of his new race of hollows, the Poofs. On this particular day, Gin was due to return to the Seiretei. Aizen and found out that he had been stationed in Spain for the week.

Aizen and Tousen were standing outside of the Sekaimon awaiting for Gin's arrival. In under minutes a child that looked about eight or nine with light periwinkle-ish hair came bounding out of the gate. His face was set in an unyielding grin. He looked like a child who have never seen pain and suffering in the world.

"Hi Aizen-sama~! What cha' doin'? Huh, huh, huh?" For as strong as Gin was, even at his current age, he had an issue. He could say 300 words on one breath, and he _always_ had something to say. After about a minute Aizen and Tousen's ears were bleed profusely.

"Gin! Can you talk any faster?" Aizen was baffled at how much the boy could say. Tousen was quick to follow.

"Breath, Gin. It would be unfortunate for Aizen-sama to lose such great power because you didn't breath."

"Thank you Tousen. Now then, while I have you two here I might as well tell you my master plan!" This got Gin and Tousen's attention. "I've figured out who I shall have in my army of unbeatable troops. As decided earlier, I will use hollows, but not just any hollow. No, these will be _special_ hollows. The others are so easy to kill, but not mine. They will be called "Poofs" because I will remove their masks using the same method I used when giving Shinji Hirako and co. masks! The origin of the name "Poof" is from the fact that they won't have a mask anymore!"

Gin and Tousen quickly took a liking to this plan. There were no questions like "how will we get to Hueco Mundo?" or "will the hollows even let us rip their masks off?" or "will the hollows accept a shinigami as a ruler?" or "how does putting a mask on equal taking one of" or anything like that. Nope, no questions what so ever.

* * *

Several months later...

Aizen, Gin, and Tousen are standing in a hollow palace in the middle of a desert caught in an eternal night. Between the three shinigami is a motionless hollow corpse whose mask had been ripped off. Then the creature twitched and began to move. Its movements were stiff and best defined as puppet-like. The hollow's hole was still there over his eye and part of its mask was still on it over the eye as well. Gin was the first to speak, "I thought you said their masks would be completely gone, Aizen-sama."

"Well damn. Now the name "poof" makes no sense... Would you like to rename them Gin?"

"YES! I wanna name 'em "arrancar"! Cuz when I was in Spain I learned the language, and so I wanna name 'em a Spanish name so I can use my knowledge!"

Then Tousen spoke up, "what does "arrancar" even mean?"

"To tear off, cuz it's like we just ripped them masks off!"

Aizen stepped towards the creature still writhing on the ground. "I believe that settles it then. You, my son, are now an "Arrancar" and a new member of my army. Now tell me, what is your name?"

The only thing that could be heard was the inhuman sounds that came from the large mass of hollow on the ground. Gin just looks down with no idea what the hell kind of name "uargiblehargiblah" was.

"Can I jus name 'em Aizen-sama?"

"Yes."

"Oh large big, ol', hollow, I name you "Nnoitra"*, may you be strong, kind, pleasant, and not bat-shit insane!" Aizen was very pleased with the name and the dubbing declaration that Gin had given. He helps Nnoitra stand. Once the hollow stands he is given some clothes by Aizen almost immediately because he was beginning to feel insecure about the size of his "ego" compared to Nnoitra's. He never knew a hollow's wang could be so big, yet another reason why hollows were superior to shinigami.

"Well then. Gin," Aizen glances over at Gin, the Tousen, "Tousen, I believe this was small success of many to come. Why don't we go look for a Vasto-Lorde so we may rip its mask off and return it to a human form."

And with that, the three shinigami set forth to explore the vast desert set in a never-ending night. The palace behind them was left under the care of Nnoitra, as well as the computers with Wi-Fi protection and lack of web sense.

* * *

Well, there you go. The first (and probably only) chapter to **Espada Boot Camp**. If you want another chapter, then review. The people who review are kind people that make my day better, and when _I _have a _good_ day, then I update, but when I have a _bad_ day, nobody's happy because I _won't_ update. Your pick.

* I have no friggin' clue if he was the first made or not, but he is now! :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Espada Boot Camp**

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Nnoitra may make this an M rated story (for shame Nnoitra); it's up to you, the readers, to decide M or T.

Thank you Headphone-bunny and summerrayah for adding my story to your alerts list; thank you again, summerrayah, as well as JadeKurosaki and Spockie for reviewing ; thank you itasaku fangirl, JadeKurosaki (again), and Spockie (again) for favoriting the story; and a big thank you to Nee-chan (3R15UK0UM31) for encouraging and annoying me to write this story (mostly annoying me), I couldn't have done it without you... well I _could_, but you helped a lot, you and the damned Plot Bunny.

Also, my dear readers, a small little bit of information on me that will greatly affect you; I. Am. _**Lazy**_. I write half a chapter once I post the next one, and finish it when I feel like it. You, your reviews, and favoriting made the process of writing chapter two go faster than normal. Thank you, once again, for that. Here's chapter two.

* * *

Somewhere in Las Noches...

Nnoitra was bored because Aizen-sama and co. had gone out for some random-ass reason that neither concerned him, nor bothered him. In reality, Nnoitra just didn't give a flying f**k what the crazy bastard was doing. He was wandering around the palace where he was to live the rest of his despicable life.

"This place is like a f**king maze. How the hell did those horse shit shinigami not get f**king lost in here?" He was walking down one of the halls that looked like all the ones he had been down before. After a while Nnoitra began to question whether he had just been walking down the same hallway over, and over, and over. Again, and again, and again.

"WHERE IN THE F**KING HELL AM I? THIS F**KING PLACE IS F**KING WORTHLESS! THERE'S NO F**KING POINT IN HAVING A BIG-ASS F**KING PALACE IF YOU CAN'T F**KING FIND ANY-F**KING-THING!" He looked around again to see if he might actually find some sort of land marker. "F**k."

Nnoitra then noticed a room ahead that he hadn't seen before. He walked into the room and was faced by a gigantic screen on the back wall. In the middle of the room was a platform with a swivel chair and a podium. On said podium was a computer, mouse, keyboard, and monitor. Two smaller rooms branched off to the side, each with its own little laptop computer.

Nnoitra went to the monitor and turned it on. The screen lit up in an instant. The Internet* was opened on a website called "Google". Nnoitra typed in one of the few words he could spell in the search box. "P-O-R-N. Enter. Images." The look of joy on the Arrancar's face could have rivaled Gin's. "Now this is the kinda shit I like."

* * *

Meanwhile in Hueco Mundo...

"Aizen-sama~ I'm bored! Can we just get some random Hollow and go?"

"Gin."

"Yes Tousen-san?"

"STFU."

"What's that mean Tousen-san?"

"It's what people say to each other when they want the other one to be quiet."

"But what's it stand for?"

"I don't know"

Aizen had been walking a couple paces ahead of the two pretending not to listen, but he couldn't help but listen to them. It was pretty amusing, but he hadn't wanted them to know he was eavesdropping. However, at this point he couldn't hold back.

"Tousen, if I may inquire, how did you find this out on the internet? I believe you told me you were blind."

"I was on chat roulette, Aizen-sama."

"And what is that?"

"It's a website where people with computers that have webcams and microphones can go to video message other people. It's for people in the World of the Living. I find the cultural experience quite enlightening. Did you know that many people cannot use a webcam without making odd grunting noises?"

"No, Tousen, I did not. That is a very interesting fact, thank you for sharing it with us. But how did you know STFU stood for something that means be quiet?"

"Well I was talking to this girl about peace and justice, and she told me "STFU" and I asked her what that meant, she just told me to be quiet."

"OH!" Gin piped up at this point, "so _that's_ why I saw you talkin' to the computer. I thought you was insane. Well that's good that you ain't!"

"Well anyways, Gin, the answer to your question that Tousen could not answer, STFU means "shut the fuck up". I was on this chat site, I forgot what it was called, and people kept saying it to other people, so I asked someone what it meant. Once they told me, it made perfect sense."

Tousen was petrified that he had said something so crude. He felt like the mortal scum that murders whole countries over different beliefs. His whole life had been shattered. He, who was supposed to stand for peace, for justice, said such harsh things to a child.

"Gin. I am terribly sorry for what I said to you." Tousen bowed as low as he could. "Please forgive me. I meant no harm by my wo- I mean letters. I should have known what they meant before I used them."

"Don't cha worry 'bout it Tousen-san" Gin said turning to Tousen and smiling an even bigger smile than normal. How he could smile even bigger than normal was unknown, and quite impressive.

The three carried on in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Well except for Gin, he was just walking along. And Aizen wasn't really thinking either; he was just narrating his life in third person... Hi me!

* * *

1 hour 34 minutes 17 seconds and 542.69 milliseconds later...

"I'm so bored! And it's been 1 hour 34 minutes 17 seconds and 792.14 milliseconds since anybody has said anything!"

My bad, 1 hour 34 minutes 17 seconds and 792.14 milliseconds later...

"I wanna talk. Did you know people that talk a lot don't lose their voice as easily? I may never lose my voice! Ain't that great Aizen-sama? I think so. What aboutyouTousen-san?Ithinkit'sgreat,andsoshouldeverybodyelse'cuzthenthere'-" (Translation= about you Tousen-san? I think it's great, and so should everybody else 'cuz then there's always someone there to start a conversation. Speaking of whi-)

"GIN! My ears are falling off! I may be one for peace, but I draw the line here!" Tousen exclaimed. Aizen could not agree more; the words had begun to run together and give him a migraine. Then he began to think about what the motor mouth had said.

"Gin, were actually counting to the closest tenth of a millisecond? Is that even possible?"

"Yuppers!"

"You've too much time kid."

Just then the three shinigami came upon an old concrete shack**. It looked like a failed bomb shelter whose roof had been blown sky high and disintegrated. Inside the shack were several strong looking Hollow and many weak looking Hollow. One strong Hollow in particular stood out. Maybe it was the throne or the crown or the fact that the other Hollows were gathered around him and treating him like a god. Who knows? His mask was a skull-like shape with a blood red pattern that consisted of strait lines. All of the lines connected to one or more other lines. Between the lines there was an occasional black dot. The top of the mask formed a crown with jewel-like patterns on each tip. He looked like he had seen everything there was to be seen in the world; all of the suffering, pain, cruelties, and madness the universe had to offer had been thrust into him over his long years. He had seen every day since the world had formed.

Gin noticed his age instantly and did not pause to comment about it. He ran up to the aged Hollow, poked him, turned towards Aizen's general location, and shouted as loud as possible, "Hey Aizen-sama! This guy is older than ol' man Yamamoto!"

Aizen could sense that there was something important about this particular Hollow, so in fear that Gin may have deterred the powerful Hollow from joining him, Aizen ran up to Gin, covered his mouth with his hand (but quickly removed it when Gin, so pleasantly, licked it), and shoved Gin into a bow. Then he quickly apologized to the Hollow before him.

"Please forgive the child. He was not raised properly before he came in to my care. I've been working on his manners."

Aizen then glanced at Gin hoping that his telepathy would work and Gin would say sorry... But it didn't work, as usual. So Aizen, and his genius mind, elbowed Gin to tell him to say sorry. He caught on. Thankfully.

"I's sorry mister Hollow."

The Hollow still looked displeased, even though his mask. The only thing that kept him from killing the shinigami was the fact that they were bowing before him. Finally the Hollow broke the silence.

"And why hast thou come to Hueco Mundo?"

"'Cuz we wanna annihilate the Soul Society!"

"And why are thou trying to kill ye own?"

"'Cuz we think... uh... Aizen-sama? Why _are_ we tryin' to kill everybody?"

"Because, Gin, the Soul Society is corrupt. They think that they are the best, and nothing can replace them and their tasks."

"But ya think that you are th' best too!"

"Well that's beside the point."

By this point the Hollow was tired of their bickering.

"Silence! I am Barragan, God of Hueco Mundo! See thy power and tremble! TREMBLE! Thee who cross thy path shall die!" At which point he stood up from his throne, took a step, and cracked his back in the process.

"Damn! Thy aching back! Oh Holy Mother of Go- I mean thyself! ARGH!"

Gin was looking on in amusement, as was everyone else. Only Gin had the courage, or maybe it was self-unawareness, to say something.

"You talk funny."

Barragan, who was on the ground in agony, pointed at the shinigami who dared to come before him and insult the god, and shouted, "Kill them! This is thy divine order, his holiness desires these fools beheaded, NOW!"

"Aizen-sama, I dun like him much. He's mean, cain't we jus' find an'ther Hollow?"

"No. He has power. Power we can use. Now go stand with Tousen while I convince him to join us."

* * *

Several minutes later Grand Master Aizen had killed most of the attacking Hollow when Barragan ordered them to stop. He could see where the battle was heading.

"Alright, shinigami, what 'tis that thee want from thy?"

Aizen sheathed his Zanpakuto, and directed his attention to Barragan.

"I want two things. First, welcome to the common era, speak like they do in the twentieth century. Second, join my army. I shall remove your mask humanly and you will become stronger. Now, follow me and come with us on our Hollow hunt!"

"That's three things you dumb-ass!" Barragan so _kindly_ pointed out.

"Well, come along anyways."

As the group of four walked off into the endless desert, stuck in the endless night, Tousen heard the faint whisper of an old Hollow repeating to himself.

"I _shall_ kill him. I _shall_ kill him. I _shall_ kill him. I _shall_ kill him."

* * *

*I am aware that I set this story in pre-Internet era, but, in my defense, Shakespeare put a grandfather clock in _Julius Caesar_ (sun dial era).

**I know Barragan ruled Hueco Mundo from Las Noches, but not anymore! :D

Next chapter will be either be recruiting Stark and Lilinette, or Ulquiorra. I haven't decided which. I'm sorry if this chapter was bad, I've been typing it up in speech class so my train of thought has been derailed more than once.

Remember, reviews mean updates!


	3. Chapter 3

**Espada Boot Camp**

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach because if I did, Ulquiorra wouldn't have died.

First, a moment for the author; People are reading my story! Hoorah! Whoopee! *Runs around throwing confetti* And now for the 'thank you's:

Thank you Ulquiarra for adding my story to your alert list (I think the alert list and favoriting are the same thing, but I get different emails for the two things, so I'm separating them); thank you cool guy 33(you _so_ live up to your name), AkatsukiAngel, and EternalNight435 for favoriting my story; thank you cool guy 33, applestoapples, AkatsukiAngel, and Spockie (two chapters in a row! Awesomeness!) for reviewing my story; and major thank you to cool guy 33, and EternalNight435 for adding me to your favorite author list! I didn't think it'd happen, so thank you, you made my day. And because they made my day I'm updating _very_ early.

Also, applestoapples, due to your request (the _only_ request) I will keep the story rated T, but remember, if your parents/younger siblings/grandparents/teachers/anybody who holds power over you are reading over your shoulder while you read about Nnoitra, I'm not to blame. I'll blame you (I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was going to blame you.)

Enjoy. And yes, this was done in Speech class, so my train of thought derailed MULTIPLE times.

* * *

In Hueco Mundo...

"My feet hurt."

"My back hurts."

"My ears hurt."

"My pride hurts, so zip it."

And with that the group of four carried on in silence and peace. Not for long though. The air grew heavy with despair. The dead trees that spotted the landscape suddenly withered even more. Barragan knew this feeling all too well, and he hated it. The three shinigami had never felt this level of sorrow, especially Gin. His smile became shallow and looked forced; soon he quit smiling all together. Tousen's eyes began to cry blood and the tears flowed without end. Aizen felt drained of all emotion, even the endless supply of hatred for the Soul Society was bone dry. The only thing that didn't change was Gin's necessity to speak.

"Love... of life... depleating... slowly... dying... soul... non-... existent."

Barragan looked around him at the pitiful shinigami. Then he looked for the cause of the depression. A lonesome bat Hollow in the distance emitted the dark wave of despair. With each beat of his wings more and more things died. The weaker Hollows that happened to be on the desert surface, such as the lizards, let out shrills of pain and agony before dying in a pool of mournful distress. Aizen spotted the bat Hollow when he noticed Barragan looking to the skies.

"Who is that?"

"I don't know his true name, but everyone around here just calls him "True Despair" because that's all his presence brings."

"He feels strong. I want him for my army."

"I've never seen the bastard land. He just flies without end."

"Gin!"

"Yes, Aizen-sama?"

"Bring me my rape shoes!"

"Wha'?"

"I mean give me the giant net!"

"Tousen has it."

"I do not believe I have the net. I will check if you wish, though."

After rummaging a while through his sleeves, which were bigger than the ones Ukitake used to store candy, Tousen found the net. It was like a fishing net with weights on the end rather than a handle, but was made of a metal that reduced spiritual pressure. Since the net was metal, throwing it was rather difficult. To add to that, the four had to throw it over True Despair who was over 200 feet in the air and flying at 34 miles per hour. That, and they had to catch up to him. Thankfully, True Despair was flying strait for them.

"Okay, we only get one shot at this, so don't mess up."

"Okay Aizen-sama!"

Each person grabbed a corner of the net, and awaited orders.

"NOW!"

"'Now!' what?"

"'Now!' charge!"

"Oohhh, okay!"

All four ran towards True Despair, but in the middle of the charge Gin tripped and fell into the net. Then Barragan's back gave out so he fell over in pain on top of a tangled Gin. Tousen was so confused by all the shouting and yelling that he misjudged the direction of True Despair and ran into Aizen. Aizen was still running with Tousen clinging to him and the net in tow for another 1.5 feet until the weight of Barragan and Gin pulled him to the ground with a painful sounding "thud".

By the time everyone except Gin had stood up he was even _more_ tangled than before. The glory of the net that they were using was that the more the victim struggles, the more tangled it becomes. Gin was stuck, and nobody knew a quick way to fix it.

"Okay boys, let's untangle this net!"

"Aizen-sama."

"Yes Tousen? Is there an issue?"

"Yes. Yes there is."

"And what would this issue be? I can't read minds you know."

"Well, Aizen-sama, I'm blind."

"And this is a problem... how?"

"I am incapable of untangling things I cannot see."

"Right! I forgot. Well... just stand guard. Look for traces of True Despair."

"I think I'll just sit and _think_ of where he has gone, seeing as how I _can't_ see."

* * *

One hour later...

"I'm free! Free I say! Freedom!"

Gin jumped up and out of the net in a heartbeat. Now there were only two problems that faced the tiny group: they lost True Despair, and they only had one Hollow for their army. Aizen was heartbroken at the loss of True Despair.

"Damn. I really wanted him in my army, too."

Gin didn't want to see Aizen as sad as he was, so he was quick to notice and point out that True Despair left a clear path of emoness. The dead, emotionless, creatures and trees killed by the wave of despair caused by True Despair created a stone-like path, the dead, emotionless, creatures and trees being the stones.

"Aizen-sama! Let's follow the Emo Brick Road*!"

"Gin! That's it! My army is saved!"

Aizen ran over to Gin and hugged him. A great bear hug full of gratefulness.

"Ai...zen...-sa...ma...I...'m...cho...kin'...no...t...br...ea...thin'..."

"Gin! Glorious Gin! Ha ha! Come, my friends! We shall follow the Emo Brick Road!"

At which point, Aizen released Gin from his death grip. The young boy fell to the ground gasping for air, like a fish out of water. Gin took five minutes to regain his breath and another three to regain his composure.

"Gin, my genius child, are you ready?"

"Yes, Aizen-sama. Now! Let's follow the Emo Brick Road! Follow the Emo Brick Road, follow the Emo Brick Road, follow the Emo Brick Road, follow the Emo Brick Road, fo-"

"Gin."

"Yes, Tousen-san?"

"I believe we all understand what you are saying. Please stop."

"Okie-dokie!"

And with that, the four traveled on into the horizon on the Emo Brick Road.

* * *

Two hours later...

The three shinigami and one Hollow continued to walk upon the Emo Brick Trail when suddenly a lone figure came into view in the sky.

True Despair had been located.

Aizen quickly took command of the situation. He took the lessons of the last encounter into consideration, and was able to come up with a course of action with little hope of success. His crew was, sad to say, very incapable when it came to catching Hollows; a child, an old man, a blind man, and a man of thought, not action. It practically _rang_ of capability.

"Okay crew, I know our last encounter was less than pathetic, but this time we'll get him. Just follow orders, listen to me, and don't mess up and we'll catch the sucker this time around."

"So what's th' plan, Aizen-sama?"

"Well... we quietly sneak up, but only Tousen and I will be holding the net. Gin, Barragan," Aizen shifted his gaze from the boy to the aged Hollow, "you'll follow us, but without a sound. Once we come close to Despair, you'll help Tousen and I throw the net. Got it?"

"Yes. However,"

"However, what, Tousen?"

"However, there are miles and miles of room for error. Will this truly work?"

"Yes. Just don't question me. Ah! Just tell this to yourself from now on; don't question, just accept*. Now, let's commence plan 'Freakin' Ultimate Course of Kick-ass Enlisting of Despair' Plan! Or just Plan F.U.C.K.E.D."

"So, we're commencin' Plan, 'FUCKED'?"

"Uh... Well, pretend it doesn't spell "f**ked". Okay?"

"Then how do ya' spell f**ked?"

"F-asterisk-asterisk-K-E-D."

"Oh."

"See Gin? You learn something new every day."

Within a few minutes the group had True Despair entangled in the net...

Aizen stepped up to the bat Hollow to examine him at a closer range. His mask had two horns, one on either side of it. Unlike other Hollow masks, Despair's went over his head like a helmet. On most other masks all the teeth can be seen, like a huge toothy grin, but not on Despair's; his had what looked like fangs. The fangs had a blood-red color on the tip of each tooth. His eyes glowed the same ominous yellow, but they seemed duller than normal, like there was no rage in his heart and soul, only emptiness. On his mask were two, greenish-teal tear streaks; one under each eye. This created the illusion of a soul caught in the midst of depression, incapable and unable to stop crying. His body was a dark green color. The skin between the bat wings on his back was blacker than the forest under the sands of Hueco Mundo, where the moon's luminescent light could not penetrate. His arms looked relatively normal until one saw the markings underneath. Black marks on the underside of his wrists looked like bleeding wounds meant to relive all the pain the world had placed upon this particular Hollow. His strong tail was swishing furiously, but after 30 seconds it became too tangled to even budge.

Aizen was impressed, to say the least, by Despair's appearance, but what stood out even more than that was the fact that he hadn't made a sound since the group had first seen him. Aizen was curious if he could even talk, much less, have vocal chords.

"Why, hello there, True Despair, wo-"

"That is not my given name."

"Ah! So you are capable of speech, and you're quite formal."

"Why should I be incapable of such a simple task?"

"Well you never made any noise while we were following you."

"Such foolish assumptions shall kill you quickly in battle."

"And yet, I'm still here to speak with you."

". . ."

"I will enlist you in my army."

"Why should I comply with your demand?"

"What do you mean? I defeated you, so therefore, I'm better than you, so you must listen to me."

"To defeat an opponent, is to kill them, for they are not worthy if they lose."

"Then how about a deal?"

". . ."

"You're not one for words, are you?"

". . ."

"Okay then. Any who. I will make you stronger, so that way you can defeat more people."

"I do not wish for strength."

"Um... I'll give you razor blades if you join!"

"Very well. I shall join your militia."

"Ah! I forgot! What is your name, my warrior?"

"Ulquiorra Schiffer."

"Welcome to my army, Ulquiorra. Now let's remove this net."

Aizen bent down and began to unravel Ulquiorra signaling for the others (except Tousen) to help the effort. In the process Gin fell into the net with Ulquiorra, Barragan threw his back out... again, and Tousen went over to help Aizen untangle them, but tripped over Aizen and fell on the other three, thus further injuring Barragan, and making more work for Aizen. In the end it took four hours to detangle Tousen, Gin, and Ulquiorra. Barragan's back got better after half an hour so he slept off to the side for the next three and a half hours.

* * *

*Like the Yellow Brick Road in the Wizard of Oz, but it's made of depressing bricks.

*My method to surviving life XD.

Do you see the glorys of making my day? See how early this chapter was? Well do you know what may make me do it again? Reviews and favoriting. AND! That little link at the bottom of the page (Review Button of Amazing Awesomeness) wants to be clicked. That's its purpose in life, and he needs your help to fulfil it. Won't you please help poor little link?


	4. Issues

Okay, so I have had the shitty-est week _ever_. I lost my pocket knife (which I love more than some of my friends) then I had a butt-load of work, and I didn't get much free time in class. Then the worst part… my computer, my _precious_ computer, which I love more than life itself, got a virus. It would turn on and let me log in, but the icons were deleted, there was no start menu (or the little bar at the bottom), and there was no background image. Everything was gone. Then I found the little light at the end of the tunnel! I could use my computer on 'safe mode' where I have no Internet, no Solitaire (which I've become addicted to… I can play games of it in my mind, not healthy), no games, no nothing. I could use all the Microsoft programs and run Spysweeper. I ran Spysweeper, and it found 17 threats! Yay! I was on the road to recovery! So I sent the 17 little bastards to quarantine where I deleted them. I restarted my computer and…

Nothing.

Yes, nothing. Same black screen from Hell that I wanted to kill. So I ran my computer on 'safe mode' again. Then I ran Spysweeper again thinking it must not have deleted everything, but no, it did. It deleted everything it found. It didn't find the other 39 threats that this other program found. But another program found them! Yay! Not really. In order to dispose of said threats I had to buy this program. Off the Internet. That I didn't have. At all. So I backed up what I could on two USB drives and tried everything I could. Then after two days of attempted fixes I found something that could be immensely helpful! A pop-up which said it was identifying the issue so that it could fix it! My computer said threat was found, but was unable to fix it. So I had to restart my computer, and now I can't even make it to the log on screen. It's just blackness. So I'm _hopefully_ getting my computer fixed, but I don't know how long it will take. Then in a week I'm flying up to meet a friend, then I'm going to visit relatives (most of which I hate) then I'm going to a camp, then I start school. You guys are shit out of luck, because I don't know when I'll be able to update. But yeah. On top of everything else, my iPod f**ked up big time. According to it, the date is January 9th, 1963. I cannot update my favorite apps, I cannot buy new ones (like this really cool Solitaire one I found), and I cannot go on the Internet or Pandora or anything that requires Wi-Fi, and some of my favorite music isn't even on my iPod, and I can't put it on there because my computer is f**ked. That's been my week from Hell, and if I hadn't _lost_ my knife, somebody would have seriously died.

Have a nice day ^^.

Oh, and did you know library computers Word don't recognize the word "yay"? Well they don't so they must not know what fun is. Poor them :(.


	5. Chapter 4

**Espada Boot Camp**

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

Because it was requested, Tia Halibel's capture recruitment.

Thank you;

Everyone for your condolences, thank you AzmariaHarmony (you lived a year without a computer? *Gasp! That's terrible! You should get a metal! *awards metal*), cool guy 33 (awesomeness, as always), () (you reviewed for all the chapters! Yay!) and AizenSosukeLoveoByakuyasama (loved your review so much I don't care that it took 3 (actual) chapters to review!) for reviewing, favoriting, and adding me to your author alert list thingy-mabob (even more yays)!

Now here's chapter four!

* * *

As the group of five wandered aimlessly through the vacant desert they came upon what seemed to be a mirage.

"Neh, Aizen-sama! I thought Hueco Mundo couldn't have mirages 'cuz there ain't any sunlight!"

"I'm sure there is a logical explanation for it... a logical explanation that I don't know."

Barragan, being the self-proclaimed 'God of Hueco Mundo' that he was, knew what it was, and chose not to listen to the babbling idiots. However ignoring Gin was _not_ an option. It _never_ is. His voice was like a drill that just kept going until it broke through and reached the ears of the deaf, and even then, it kept on drilling. So, Barragan gave up and decided to save himself the pain and told the child,

"That is the lake of the shark."

"Huh? Didja say somethin'?"

Gin had been so busy talking and so used to people attempting to ignore him (or some just didn't bother replying) that he didn't hear what was going on around him. Some words would spark the young boy's interest like fluffy, and puppies, and kittens, and bunnies, and ice cream, and caffeine, and other things of that genre, but Barragan didn't use those words because if he had, his pride would hit rock bottom, and would keep on falling.

"I said, that is the lake of the shark. She's very strong, and is not afraid to sacrifice her well being for her territory. You see, this is the only body of water in all of Hueco Mundo, so she protects it ferociously."

"I wanna go fishin'! I wanna go shark fishin'!"

Tousen quickly noticed one vital fact;

"Sharks live in salt water, yet you say this is a lake. How can this be possible?"

"She, uh, well you see, the uh, shark, uh is, well… MAGICAL! That's right! A magical shark that can breathe fresh water! Because she is, uh… SPECIAL! Yes a special, magical shark."

"Trash." Ulquiorra was flying low to the ground. He had been growing tired from listening to such bullshit.

"What's that Ulquiorra? Didj'a say somethin'?" Gin asked. He avoided eye contact because even glimpsing at Ulquiorra brought about a feeling of apathy and loneliness.

Barragan, who did not like being called by anything other than 'his-royal-godly-awesomeness-amazing-cool-young-beautiful-gracious highness', was already having issues coming to term with the fact that these measly shinigami were referring to him by first name. Being called trash was not going to be taken lightly.

"Yes, Ulquiorra, what did you just utter before the GOD OF HUECO MUNDO!" His voice boomed over the small group of misfits. Everyone began to wonder how a skeleton could have such a grand voice, but they easily overlooked it, as they did with most other things.

"Trash. I called you trash, in case you did not hear me properly. You are trash, as is the world and all its inhabitance, and your explanation of Tia Halibel."

"Dat's mean Ulquiorra! You should take it back 'cuz it'll hurt people's feelin's, just like it hurt Barragan's feelin's."

Aizen, who wished to know more of this Tia Halibel, broke up the argument so he could find out more about this special, magical shark.

"Everybody be quiet."

. . .

Well maybe he didn't break it up as effectively as he had wanted, so Aizen resorted to plan 'Awesome Super Silencer' or A.S.S. for short.

"SHUT UP BEFORE I HAVE THE AMERICANS NUKE THIS PLACE AND KILL YOU ALL!"

"Um, Aizen-sama, da World of the Livin' won't have nukes for an'ther 30 err 40 years."

"And you would die."

"Your brain is made of the trash from garbage dumps."

"And that is not a very peaceful way of having everybody be quiet."

"Yes, but it worked! Now then, Ulquiorra, please tell me more about this Tia Halibel."

Ulquiorra shot a look of mild disgust at the shinigami for ordering him around before telling him about Tia Halibel.

"She is a shark Hollow that resides in the only lake in Hueco Mundo. She breathes fresh water as a means of survival, and there is no particular reason as to why she breathes fresh water. Her reiatsu is very high, and I would highly recommend her recruitment."

"Thank you, Ulquiorra. Now then men, and child, we're going fishing!"

"Aizen-sama, we don't have any fishin' rods, so how're we goin' fishin'?"

"With the giant net!"

At the mere mention of the giant net Ulquiorra shot up into the air to avoid being caught in it… again, but he stayed close enough to watch the current escapade unfold. Barragan, in order to save himself from the sure-to-be-pain, stayed back as well. Tousen felt bad about holding Aizen back like last time, so he stayed with Barragan. So it was up to 1.5 men to catch a Hollow shark, which could probably kill them on a whim, with a net that required four men.

And thus, Aizen and Gin proceeded to capture Tia Halibel, the shark Hollow.

As they began to creep towards to lake, which make no scientific sense, Halibel sensed the 1.5 shinigami, and swam to the edge of her lake.

* * *

"Ah, I see we won't have to force you to the shore. Hello, I am Sosuke Aizen."

Aizen stood at the shore still clutching his net. A look of joy was enlaced upon his face at the feel of Halibel's reiatsu.

"I have come to Hueco Mundo in search of Hollows who will follow me and join my army. In order to make you stronger I shall remove most of your mask."

"And what will I be fighting? And why would a shinigami be seeking the assistance of a Hollow? I thought they were proud of their strength, and yet you seek me."

Her case was solid and quite true, yet Aizen would not withdraw without a shark.

"Well, that's an interesting perspective and question; I'll leave that question for another day. As for your first question, I want to kill the shinigami."

"Why massacre your own?"

"My own? I didn't give birth to every shinigami. I just want to kill them, I hate black, and they keep wearing it, even though I've put forth proposal after proposal to change the color to pink."

"Let me rephrase that; why are you planning to kill your own race?"

"I already told you, now will you join me?"

"All because you wish the shinigami would wear bright, hot, blinding, disgusting pink? You are not mentally all there are you?"

"Enough so to piece together a pla- wait… did you mock me?"

"No. Not what so ever. In any case, I shall follow you seeing as how you've already gathered such strong allies."

With that Halibel demanded Aizen bring forth a fish bowl with wheels for her to travel in with them. Gin instantly presented Halibel with a fish bowl with wheels. Nobody knew where he had gotten it, where he had stored it, or how he had managed to keep it a secret. In the fish bowl was a small little goldfish who looked absolutely terrified of the mere sight of Gin.

"P-please d-d-don't hu-hurt m-m-m-meeeee! I-I've b-b-been a g-g-g-good b-boy! EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!"

Gin looked at the fish at eye level so he could give his last good-bye.

"Hi-ya Twinkie! I's gonna miss 'ya a lot! 'Cuz I gotta let 'ya go so Halibel can come with us!"

* * *

And with that Twinkie lived happily ever after in the Rukongai. And lest we forget, Halibel hoped to live long and well under new management.

* * *

I never meant it to take so long to update, but here it is. Now review! :D


	6. Chapter 5

**Espada Boot Camp**

Disclaimer: I want to own Bleach, but I don't.

Thank you everyone who was like, "come on! Write, we're pretty sure you're still alive! More, more! We wanna know what happens. Who's next? Don't give up!" It was great, well not really. I was being yelled at by people I didn't even know personally. But thanks! Thank you ashadowedphoenix, and Shinigami117 for adding my story to your alert list (and thank you Nee-chan for telling me the difference between favoriting and alerting, yes, I'm _that_ retarded). Thank you applestoapples (again, as always :3), cool guy 33 (re-again, re-as always :3), CrazyAnimeluver333, and SeasprayLuv (do your socks match? Because mine never do -.-) for the reviews. And thank you I.-.-.I Kuroyagi I.-.-.I, SeasprayLuv (reviewing and favoriting? Sweetness), vienna13 for favoriting. And thank you everyone who reads, but is too lazy to review or favorite or alert.

I have school now so the updates will slow DRAMATICALLY! I'm sure you've noticed. I'm busy, so this story will be on hiatus until I have time to write (i.e. Thanksgiving break, winter break, summer). Also! I noticed that the last chapter was intended to be after this one, so yeah... my bad.

Also, would you like to become my editors? I'll dedicate a special 'thank you' section to you, and might fit you in the story... maybe.

* * *

Aizen and co. were walking through the desert at a whopping speed of .05 miles per hour. Why such a fast pace? They were tracking the slowest moving targets _ever_. Two Hollows with insane reiatsu that Aizen was practically ogling over.

"Aizen. Want. Hollows. _Now_."

"Well, Aizen-sama, maybe we should jus' round 'em up now."

"Gin."

"Yah?"

"We can't dooooo thaaaaaaat."

"Aizen-sama, if I may intrude, you are whining, and that is a very non-leader-like quality."

"I knooooowwwww thaaaaaaattttt, , but I waaaaaaaant them _nooooooooowwww_."

"Then let's jus' go an' round 'em up now, an' get 'em to join us. I want more people to talk to cuz ya'll are borin'."

By now, Tousen was quite annoyed with the constant bickering, and Barragan just wanted to get the two Hollow bastards and leave. However, Tousen beat Barragan to voicing his opinion,

"Patience, Gin."

"I know!" Gin shouted, completely ignoring Tousen, "When patience fails force prevails! TALLY HO!"

Gin rushed forward screaming, fist in air. If no one had seen him then they would have mistaken him for a small school girl being chased by boys with worms.

The group did not wish to see a bloody Gin so three of them followed suit and charged forward screaming their ferocious battle cry, which sounded oddly like a girl screaming as well.

Halibel refused to risk breaking her fish bowl, and ultimately suffocating, so she stayed behind to watch her new allies.

However Barragan, Tousen, and Aizen went. As usual Barragan's back gave out, so he was down for the count five steps into the charge. Tousen, alternatively, was fighting history and managed to stay on a relatively strait course. Aizen, on the other hand, was slower than usual because of a string Tousen had tied around him earlier, somewhat like a leash. So Aizen was, in a sense, a seeing-eye dog. Tousen's bitch.

All the while Ulquiorra was just flying over head watching the show unfold before him. If he had a video camera with him, he was guaranteed to win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos. Alas, his 'get-rich-quick' scheme could go no further, so he decided to watch and contemplate on how retarded his new allies were.

"How could beings so dumb exist in this world?"

The more he contemplated this, the more confused he became. Each theory he came up with would mean that the intelligent should be dead, but that was not a possibility for he and Halibel were alive and well.

"Do not try to comprehend their foolishness, Ulquiorra."

Halibel had notice Ulquiorra flapping about lazily in a circle with a puzzled look etched across his face.

"I suppose, but still. Their existence makes no sense. Perhaps there is no meaning in this world."

"You are a constant downer, aren't you?"

Ulquiorra paid no heed to this last comment, but rather flew down to help these bumbling idiots get their targets. He flew over Barragan, still writhing in pain, Tousen and Aizen, who had passed out from carrying twice his weight, thus tripping Tousen, and then Gin, who had stopped to catch his breath, and landed in front of the two Hollows.

His landing was rather unorthodox because there was no room to land; the targets were surrounded by dead Hollows who crumpled under weight of the reiatsu emanating from the two targets. Therefore, Ulquiorra just landed on the largest Hollow.

"I am sorry to bother you, but I have a request for you two."

The larger of the two looked up. His eyes were glazed over, like a dead animal's eyes. There was no life in them.

"You. How can you be so close to us?"

His voice was void of life. It was not depressing, like Ulquiorra's, but there was no meaning in it.

"How has our reiatsu not killed you?" The other one piped up. Its voice was somewhat more characterized than the other's. It had a child-like aura about it.

"I may not have as much reiatsu as you, but my allies and I have enough reiatsu to withstand being near you. Now, as I was saying before, we have a request for the two of you. Will you join us? We are gathering an army; you will have to ask Aizen-sama for the details. He is a shinigami, but he is revolting against them. Will you come?"

"DAYMN! Dat's da most I've ever heard you say at once, Ulqui-bat-san!"

Gin's head popped up from behind a decaying body close to Ulquiorra's dead perch.

Ulquiorra threw a glance of annoyance, and then proceeded to knock Gin 100 feet away from him with a flick of his tail.

"We shall come."

"Yeah. This desert's so damn lonely. Only being with Starrk is boring. All he does is complain about not having sake*."

Aizen's head was the next to pop up from behind a corpse, "where have you had sake before?"

"A shinigami that wandered into this God-forsaken land had some."

By now, the moon had crept out from behind the blanket of clouds to cast its light upon the barren land. The two Hollows were now visible under the pale cast of the eternal full moon.

They resembled wolves. They had the body shape of wolves, but Starrk, the larger of the two, had black ruin-like markings on his gray pelt, while Lilinette had white ruin-like markings on her gray pelt. Both masks were bone white. The masks had the top jawbone, but no lower jaw bone, so only one row of teeth could be seen. The masks had two oversized fangs sticking from them. These masks had no marking like other masks. In fact, the Hollows, themselves, were quite plain. Their eyes were grey, unlike the typical yellow, and they had black slits, like cats. Their jaws beneath their masks looked very strong, but unlike a dog's mouth, there was no drool just falling like a waterfall from their mouths. They were civilized. Starrk was the size of a full grown wolf, while Lilinette was the size of a wolf pup.

Lilinette was sitting, gnawing on a dead Hollow that closely resembled a turkey (hey, even Hollows need a little food and a Thanksgiving, everyone not in America is missing out), while Starrk sat a bit off to the side glancing at her as though she were retarded.

"We have no other company. I suppose we will come, perhaps we may find more Hollows who can withstand us to chase away this tormenting loneliness." With that the two got up and followed Aizen and co. as they went to gather Gin, Barragan, Halibel, and Tousen, whom were scattered in every which direction within a 100 foot radius.

* * *

I've come up with a new theory. People enjoy hearing about how Bob is being hurt because they won't review and favorite and all that good stuff, so I'm giving Bob ice cream every time you don't do said things above, and I'll slap him each time you do one of said things above. So, please, just review and feel good because you aren't Bob.

And, if any of you have a Gaiaonline account, I'm lonely, find me, my user is the same there as it is here. Me no like to remember 10,000 names.


	7. Christmas Special

**Espada Boot Camp**

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Well, maybe in my dreams I do, but not in reality. Curse you reality!

Okay, so I put up this one-shot and noticed that it got a bunch of hits when I first put it out. This baffled me, and it got no reviews (depressing), so I thought it must be the topic, but Code Geass isn't the most popular thing ever (it's close). So I asked my friend to tell me, she said it's probably because of the summary. So I redid the summary for Boot Camp, and I've come to the conclusion that 255 character summaries can go f**k themselves, thus doubling their existence to about 510, this way, I can actually write a good summary.

It has been brought to my attention that I have no life. I sat here, on Christmas Eve, with my windows WIDE open, typing this. NO, I wasn't waiting for Santa (the letters in his name can spell Satan!), I was being worthless. I have insomnia, so yeah. I couldn't sleep. I was feeling cheery, so I typed up a Christmas special you you guys. I really need to get a hobby or something. All suggestions are appreciated. I'd like to know what my readers do. (Wow. I am such a stalker XD).

Well, I also noticed that my thank yous have been getting long, so I'm just going to thank people who stick out, like good/quick reviews, and people who favorite, review, and alert. So, thank you SeasprayLuv, who was very quick to review. It made my day. Also, Shinigami117, your comment was much appreciated. It lets me know that people actually read the shit I type up here and down there. So, thank you.

* * *

The group of Hollows and shinigami wandered though the desert as usual, each person keeping to his or her own self, which was quite odd, especially for Gin. Every member of the posse would glance over at the small child every once in a while to make sure nothing was terribly wrong. No one said a word to the boy; they were frightened to awaken the beast inside. He wasn't smiling like usual, and he didn't even look up.

Something was wrong.

Finally, Aizen could bear this no longer.

"Is something the matter, Gin?"

". . ."

Nothing. Something was most certainly wrong. He didn't utter a word. Everybody stopped, horrified at this response.

Lilinette was the next to pipe up.

"Hey! Pipsqueak! Answer me dammit!"

". . ."

Nothing. Now everyone was in panic mode. Everyone tried to make Gin stir from his daze.

Aizen got in Gin's face making weird noises and faces. Tousen ran into every tree he could sense, and then ran into them a second, sometimes three times. Barragan used the giant net to tangle up Starrk. Ulquiorra dive-bombed Gin several times. Halibel splashed water on the boy. Lilinette did just about every trick a dog could do, she chased her tail, sat, lay down, rolled over, barked, howled, begged, everything. However, Gin just stood there looking down.

"Maybe he died from Starrk and I's reiatsu."

"Maybe he fell asleep, and is sleep walking."

"Poke it," Halibel pointed out.

"Yeah! Check t make sure it's dead!"

And so, everyone began to poke the boy, but still, nothing happened. They poked, jabbed, punched, kicked, and almost stabbed him, but before the stabbing began, Aizen told everyone they were resting.

Aizen, Tousen, and Barragan sat on an old, decaying log while Starrk and Lilinette curled up together and napped. Ulquiorra perched in a nearby tree, and Halibel had Aizen place her bowl next to the tree that Ulquiorra was using.

All was silent over the barren landscape. Then Gin looked towards everyone and asked, in a very quiet monotone voice; "Does it snow here?"

Everyone just sat in place, and stared. It had been so quiet they had almost missed it. Then they began to respond to the world after a long pause of utter confusion. Lilinette was the first one up and to Gin.

"It spoke! It said stuff! It lives! It lives! Yay!"

She bounced around Gin, yipping and yapping this and that. Ulquiorra flew over to further inspect the strange boy that had replaced Gin. Starrk just sat there, intrigued by the strange question. Aizen then looked at his watch, which he had no idea he had until that point in time. The date was the 25th, but what month. . .

"Christmas!" He exclaimed. Starrk, who was startled by the sudden burst of noise, flinched, then inquired, "What is this "Christmas" you are shouting about? You are making the dead go deaf."

Tousen understood Gin's melancholy once Aizen yelled the day to the dead. Gin missed home.

Starrk was still quite confused about what was going on with the shinigami. "What is "snow"? And what is "Christmas"? You shinigami are ludicrous."

Tousen began to explain the holiday to the clueless Hollows. "Snow is a type of weather. It's like rain, but solid and melts. Like a mix of water and ice, or rather, finely shredded ice. It only happens in the wintertime, when it's cold. It's usually paired with Christmas, and human holiday. We shinigami picked it up after a few years of patrolling. Some recruits saw the decorations and talked the head captain into celebrating it. People give gifts to each other during the holiday. Gin just misses home. Well, mostly just the holiday. He enjoys playing in the snow some shinigami make with their zanpaktou. He also tends to get five tons of candy and one thousand gifts. He misses the celebration."

Starrk just stared blankly at Aizen. "You shinigami and humans are fucking retarded. A holiday of pissing away money for others?"

Aizen spoke next; "the holiday worships a fat ass dressed in blood red colors with white fluffy shit on the hems of his clothes. He drives a sleigh pulled by nine magical flying reindeer, one of which has a red, glowing nose, all the way across the world in one night, stopping at every bloody house with kids. He shoved his fat ass into the chimney, eats cookies that the little nit wits leave for fatty, leaves some presents in an over-sized sock with a kid's name on it, and then leaves through the chimney again to head for the next house. He keeps a list of kids who defied nature and were good all year round, and a list of typical kids who were bad even once throughout the year. Good kids get gifts, bad kids get coal. He has little slaves working in a sweatshop for no pay making toys for kids. He also lives in a barren wasteland called the North Pole. It's too cold for any human being to live there all year round."

"LIES!" Lilinette jumped back as Gin yelled at the top of his lungs. "SANTA IS REAL! He gives me what I want every year!"

Starrk, who thought this was all quite ludicrous, just sat there and chuckled. "Look kid, there's no fat ass here, and no snow. Never has, never will. Quit dreaming, and let's go."

Just as Gin looked like he was about to cry, something began to fall from the dark abyss-like sky. It was soft and wet. And white, god, was it white. The flakes fell everywhere. There was so much that the group couldn't see three feet in front of them.

One flake landed of Lilinette's nose. "COLD!"

"SNOW!" Gin screamed. Suddenly, his old self sparked to life. He began running around in circles chasing Lilinette's tail. He was speaking at the speed of über sound to everyone and everything. He was laughing, cheering, screaming, shouting, and making noises Barragan never knew a creature could make, even in his old age.

It was quite a show.

Soon the snow began to coat the ground. First, a small half-inch layer, then an inch, then a couple more inches, then a foot, and so on. Soon the snow coaxed the ground in a think, pure, innocent three feet.

Snow angels and snow pups having seizures covered the ground. Snow forts were built, and snow forts were destroyed. Snowballs flew.

Gin and Lilinette laid on the ground panting. They were exhausted, but happy. Gin had a huge smile on his face, and Lilinette's toothy smile was just as big. They were still giggling in a fit of joy.

"So much for "no such thing as snow here"! Heh heh heh."

Aizen walked up to Gin, and looked down at the small boy. Aizen just grinned and said, "Merry Christmas Gin. Here." And he tossed a candy cane to the boy, who devoured it in under a second, and kept talking away, just like always.

* * *

Well, because Bob has been hospitalized, I need a new method for reviews, favoriting, and alerting. So, you see this? –holds up a glowing green kitten by the scruff of the neck- This is one of the _many_ nuclear kittens that help me write my stories. I keep them all in a giant warehouse in the middle of the Nairobi Desert. See how cute and fluffy it is? Well it's useless, so each time you don't review, I'm punting one off a nice, high, Hawaiian sea cliff with lots of sharp, pointy rocks at the bottom. If you do review, I'll give you one for Christmas.


	8. Chapter 6

**Espada Boot Camp**

*Jumps out from behind a random wall* Hey! Look! I'm still alive! I've even survived school and I'm heading into a new year! And I'm updating!

My old computer was on its last legs, so I had to get a new one. It really was decrepit. I had it since 8th grade, and I'm a junior in high school now. It was running on Vista, and the 'a' key was about to fall off, and the 'o' key already had. It weighed, like, five thousand tons. In the end, I decided to get a new computer. And for some strange reason, one of which I've yet to understand, my mother won't let me burn, blow up, microwave, bash, dissect, or in any other way harm it.

Thank you;

ApocalypseJewel for actually saying you needed an update. Lawliet Veneziano for trying to get me to stop punting the kitties (I think it's funny to see Gin being hit with persimmons.) Amterasu Ai for commenting on nearly every chapter. SeasprayLuv for actually commenting even though your computer had the sniffles –gives kitty– I sympathize with you. And everyone else who either commented, favorited, or alerted! You can all have kitties!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

* * *

Our story starts up again with our valiant heroes being lead by their glorious leader, Aizen-sama, through the bitter cold desert known as Hueco Mundo. The day. . . or was it night?

"I can't fucking tell anymore! RAH!"

"What the hell is his issue _now_?" Lilinette was losing faith in her new leader. (But I, Aizen-sama, shall prevail!).

Starrk only glanced at his other self with his usual half-assed glance and answered the same way he did to everything else, "I 'dunno."

"Geez Starrk. _Helpful_." Lilinette bit back at her counter-part. Then _**GIN**_ set in. . .

"He always narrates his fabulous adventures in third person in his mind! Hey! Bari-san! Bari-san! BARI-SAN!"

"Who the zetta-hell* is _that?_"

"Well, your name is duh closest, so it's you! Do skeletons have diddly-doos?"

Barragan could only stare at the boy in wonder. How could this kid be so. . . _retar – _I mean _mentally challenged beyond all help_? Barragan began the speculate that the kid's specialness scared even the little white men that come in the little white van from the little white building. How else could he not be locked up?

Gin just smiled while standing in the sandy wasteland with the moonlight bathing his body, dust rising in the distance, and a deer running towa—

"WHAT THE HELL?" Aizen was baffled at the sight that was running towards him.

Lilinette's temper was drawing to an end; "What the FUCK is it NOW?" The young Hollow pup snapped. All Aizen could do was weakly point at the scene ahead of the gang.

A maiden ram Hollow with breasts bigger than watermelons was being chased by a tiger Hollow with really weird colored eyes.

* * *

Both Hollows looked different than most others.

The ram's eyes were like a humans, yet they seemed to emit a soothing brown luminescent light. Her mask covered all of her face. It looked like the front of the skull of a ram and ended just below her chin. The horns curled on the sides of her head like a normal ram's. The mask kept going past her head and formed a hard, protective layer down the top half of her body. A magenta stripe streaked down the shell of her mask on her back, all the way to the tip of her tail; it ended in a tuft of magenta fur. Her tail was made of the same material as her mask and had the same bony look of a skeletal tail. The rest of her body was covered in a soft hide of aquamarine fur.

The tiger's eyes weren't like the dull, greedy, hateful eyes like most other Hollows. He didn't see the world through two holes in a mask. In fact, he had no mask, his mask was his body. The tiger was white with black markings. The markings started around his eyes and lead in a line up to his ears and covered the tips of his ears. There was a large area of black around the tiger's neck. Along his back there was what looked to be an external spine, which transitioned into his tail. His paws were black as well. Thin black stripes encircled most of his sleek body.

* * *

Once the shock that had laid heavily over the crew had dissipated, Gin set in. . . _again_. In an Australian accent;

"Note how the tiger-like beast-Hollow hunts his prey. He gives her a good chase in hopes of lowering her awesome stamina. Once he feels he has run enough, he releases a fearsome snarl and lunges for the prey. CRICKEY! Did'ja see that? The prey gave the tiger quite the hind kick there! Let's see wh—"

Barragan could take no more, "Gin."

"Ya' Bari-san?"

"Shu—What?"

"What?" Innocent little Gin asked.

"Who the hell _is _Bari-san?"

"I's tolds ya' already! You!" Gin's grin grew quite large as he pointed to Barragan.

Barragan just looked at the child. "I will slap you. And then I will shove your head up that ram's ass. Maybe it will muffle your pesky voice."

Tousen, who couldn't help but over hear, butted in. "That is not the best option for a peaceful end. You should find a more peaceful way."

Halibel was the next to jump in. She had been sitting in her fish tank listening to all of the stupidity around her. "You will have no effect here, Tousen. Back down. You have lost. Your methods are wrong. The only way to progress is through sacrifice. Barragan, sacrifice Gin's innocence for silence."

Just then the ram, who was ahead of the tiger, ran in between the quarrel. The Ram had a pleading look in her eyes.

"Please help me! This beast will not stop baring his teeth at me!"

The tiger was approaching fast. Gin saw this, and decided to help the pretty lady-ram. . . at the expense of a certain someone.

"Hey! Tousen! Come o'er'eer! I wanna give ya' somethin'!"

The blind man followed the voice quite well, as usual. He walked just behind a particular ram as a particular tiger took quite the leap of faith.

"GAAAAAAAAAH!"

Tousen had been bowled over by a 100+ pound kitten. Needless to say, Tousen was not amused by Gin's latest prank.

"G-Gin! How dare you pick on the defenseless!"

"If you were defenseless I would not have recruited you, Tousen."

"Yes, Aizen-sama." Tousen could barely be heard through his humiliation.

However, through this act of violence Aizen noticed how strong the beast seemed. Since the group had been wandering for a very long time with neither sound nor hair of any Hollow, even a tree seemed powerful, so the great leader acted on instinct.

Aizen slowly began to creep towards the tiger Hollow, cooing, "niiiiiiiice kiiiiiiiitty. We won't hurt you, we just want you to join us. We have some nice catnip at home. Niiiiiiiiiice kiiiiiiiitty."

"I shall only come if you will make me, Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, strong enough to defeat any enemy."

"Done!"

"Only the weak desire power. Aizen-sama, I do not suggest you recruit this pitiful kitten."

"YOU FILTHY BAT! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"

The kitten began to jump and frolic and play with the bat. Snarling snarls of glee, sort of.

* * *

Meanwhile, on Gin's side of the group, two little beings were having fun with a very curvy Hollow.

"What's 'er name miss?"

"Yeah! What the shinigami boy asked!"

"Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck. You may address me as Nel. That is easier to remember, no? And what, might I ask, are you names?"

"GIN!"

"Lilinette!"

"Wonderful names indeed."

"Will Nel come with us?"

"Yeah! We'll have tons and tons of fun!"

"And she can make up for my other half's apathy!"

Nel gazed kindly upon the two young friends. She wondered how these strange shinigami had convinced so many Hollow to change their views of shinigami. How they had convinced these stubborn Hollows to journey with them, even if the goal was to force all shinigami to where bright, burning, hot pink robes. She chuckled to herself thinking that it might be nice to help everyone, of every race, come together and cooperate like these here.

"Yes. I think it would be much fun to journey with you."

Grimmjow was slowly loosing interest with the emo bat, when it suddenly snapped all together at the sound of his prey's voice.

"I have to cooperate with my _prey?_"

Ulquiorra heard this and promptly set to further annoying the white kitten. "She will be a much needed addition. Her skills will balance your flaws out."

"RAWR!"

* * *

With that, the group walked off into the endless night.

"Damn! I sound cool!"

"Yeah. When you were silent!" Lilinette jabbed.

"You should be kind to your leader and over look his flaws. Perhaps you and Gin would like to ride upon my back?" Nel inquired.

Gin jumped upon the opportunity. Literally.

"HOORAY!"

And Lilinette quickly followed suit.

"HOORAY!"

Grimmjow was too distracted with leaping and bounding around after Ulquiorra to take note of what was happening around him. Ulquiorra took full advantage of this. Carefully, he maneuvered towards Tousen. Grimmjow, yet again, rammed into the blind man, knocking both off balance, sending them into a tumble down a cold sandy dune. On their way down, rock trees paid for their tumble as they knocked them over one after another.

Barragan began to laugh until his lungs ached. He eventually had to take a step forward to prevent from falling himself, but his efforts were futile. He threw his back out and went tumbling after the two.

All the while Starrk and Halibel sat to the side and sighed. How had they ended up in this mess? Would it ever get batter?

* * *

*I got my friend into The World Ends With You. It's a bad-ass DS game. She's been asking me about it, so I've been remembering things from it. Like Shō (I just call him Zetta-Dude).


End file.
